Signs Of Our Times…

Board of Directors Meeting
All the members of the company’s Board of Directors were called into the Chairman’s office, one after another,

until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:

“Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?”

“Oh, no, sir, positively not…!” Ted replied.

“Are you absolutely sure…?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her….!”

“You’d swear to that….?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…” insisted Ted.

“Good. Then YOU fire her.”

Darwin Awards

The Darwin’s Are Out!!!!

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the “least evolved” among us.

Here Is The Glorious Winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And Now, The Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

And now — A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A
police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the
perp had been punished enough!

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In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*****Remember*****

They walk among us; they can reproduce. And they can actually vote!!

Be on guard!!

Funny Fishing Joke

A guy had planned a fishing trip to his favorite fishing spot on the flats of Florida.

He packed and began the trip to the water.

He launched his boat, motored to his sea trout honey hole, and began fishing.

In no time, he caught the biggest trout he’d ever caught.

He cast out again and was delighted to catch an even larger trout.

Every cast, he caught a trophy fish.

Then his mobile phone rang; it was the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room.

She may die, they told him.

The fisherman is worried, but he wants to catch the world record trout, so he decides to have just a few more casts.

He pulls in three more really huge trout, but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so he reluctantly pulls anchor and motors back to his car to go to the hospital.

Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor.

The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds the husband: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!”

The fisherman sobbed it was true.

“Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time; your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over…

She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.”

The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!”

The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow…

”Just kidding, buddy… she’s dead. How many did you catch?” 

Only In Texas…


Only a person in Texas would think of this:

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Texan. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”